Lovergirl or Lapdog?
I’m going to be honest, the girls are really pissing me off.
Friends of the past have often misunderstood me, painting me as cold or icy. Admittedly, I’m a self-proclaimed cut-off queen and a former crash-out. But don’t get it twisted, I am filled with love.
I volunteer, I’m vegetarian for the animals, I work in community, my sisters value me and when I like someone? I pick out matching outfits in my head before we’ve even gone on a third date.
Just because I’ve mastered the art of saying fuck anyone who can’t treat me how I deserve, does not mean my lovergirl card has been revoked.
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I am soft.
I am sensitive.
I am thoughtful.
I am love.
I am theatrical, romantic, grandiose, passionate, fiercely loyal love.
I have so much love that I’m eager to give, and receive that I’ve had to learn discernment because not everyone deserves access to it.
Real lovers gatekeep.
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It’s not out of arrogance or being anti-men (another topic I would love to dive into) it’s simply because we recognize the depth of our emotions and many people, especially of my overcooked generation can not accept, appreciate or reciprocate the emotional plights we’ve reached.
If you’re not being selective and you’re welcoming anyone in your space and giving your love out for free, you are flailing and likely begging for love. That’s not a judgement by the way, it’s an observation.
I’ve been there and it’s lonely. That’s why I can share this now and please receive this in the spirit in which I am writing it.
Don’t be the girl/woman who tolerates the bare minimum.
Just because you identify as a lovergirl does not mean you should tolerate disrespect, dismissal, disloyalty or lack of effort.
That is not being a lovergirl.
That’s called being a lapdog.
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You may have been conditioned that way. The way our parents did or didn’t show up for us, social experiences, media. It can all play a role in how we process things. It’s not entirely your fault.
But it is your responsibility to recognize what you’re tolerating. You’re teaching people how to treat you. You’re teaching yourself what you’re willing to settle for. So ask yourself two very important questions:
Why am I sticking around for someone who makes me question whether they love or care about me?
Why am I martyring myself for someone who doesn’t see, value, or deserve me?
I know it’s easier said than done but girlll, come on. If you are truly a lovergirl, you know your love deserves to be reciprocated. Why are you sitting here, reading this article and settling for good enough when you are a grand love?
I may get heat for being a cut-off queen, but you know what?
I would rather rule my castle alone, appreciating everything I’ve built, than sit beside a jester disguised as a king.
So with love and a bit of shade, please stop calling yourself a lovergirl just because your self-esteem is low and you want to someone to convince you that you are worthy. You need to convince yourself of that.
Need I reiterate,
This doesn’t mean being anti-men either.
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To be “anti-men” is still centering men in your orbit and love can’t exist within obsession and desperation. I want to encourage you all to forgive yourself for what you once tolerated. Then I want you to treat yourself so well that no one could ever convince you that you don’t deserve the kind of love you’re asking for.
You DO deserve it and it’s easier to believe that when you are already giving it to yourself.
Think of the friends and family who make you feel loved. If you can receive it from them, why wouldn’t you expect the same from a partner? If you are one of the ones who didn’t receive that love from friends and family, I feel you.
You may not know what a healthy love is to begin with. I encourage you to start with respect and contentment. Learn how to respect yourself and be content with who you are. Study yourself and learn more about all the things that makes you special. You will have an easier time deciphering if the way someone is treating you is something you can accept. Are you content around this person and how they show up for you? Are you calm or do you find yourself feeling guarded and in a more defensive energy? Do they talk down on you or lift you up?
Please, I am begging you.
Free yourself from the shackles of longing for just any romantic love and appreciate the love already around you, within you. That’s how you open yourself to the right love, the solid love. The kind of love that supports and nurtures the most tender parts of you.
Besides, being a lovergirl is an aesthetic anyway.
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Everyone wants the look, the vibe, the playlist. Very few want to get real with their partner. Love isn’t just cute; it’s complex. It’s growth, accountability, respect, honesty, forgiveness. Love has highs and lows. Sometimes it’s ugly and I don’t mean in how you treat each other, but in the parts of yourself you must face and heal to create something deep and lasting.
Personally, I don’t want shallow. I’m not built for shallow; I’m a Leo venus! I desire a love that’s so deep even the ocean is afraid of it. A love that challenges me and uplifts me. A love that can make me smile even in our hardest moments. A love that I never have to question because they would make it a priority to value me.
I don’t want to fall in love: I want to grow in it. I want to be my full self with someone who is just as willing to show me theirs.
Real love isn’t about hiding who you are. I resent words such as “settling down” and “trapped.” A true, healthy love is freeing, a true and healthy love takes you to heights unimaginable.
It’s not just about affection and fairytale. It’s about being seen completely and still being chosen.
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If you’re in need of a pick me up or guide to launch you into loving yourself more, or even a guide for questions to dive deeper into your relationship; check out my free tool kits “The Lover Girl Guide” and “The Couples Guide.”
