Four Essential Questions Every Couple Should Ask
From Non-Negotiables to Parenthood: Conversations That Can Make or Break Your Relationship
Many people get caught up in the feelings they have for someone. As a woman with a deeply complex emotional nature, I understand this sentiment. I know what it’s like to connect with someone and get swept up in the dream. However, if you’re seeking long-term connection and partnership, it’s important to stay grounded in reality.
Passion alone is not enough for a sustainable relationship.
To help with that, here are four essential questions every couple should ask. They may feel uncomfortable and even make-or-break, but they’ll help you understand whether your relationship has the foundation to last.
1. What are your friendship and relationship non-negotiables?
This allows you both to understand your wants and needs. It’s important to state these things clearly because as it turns out, your partner can’t read your mind.
If you don’t share your needs, you may not feel loved in the ways that matter most to you, even if your partner deeply cares. This doesn’t mean to put up with someone who doesn’t treat you well but you should inform them in what ways to show their effort and care. Think about love languages: if someone expresses love through gifts, but their partner feels loved through words of affirmation, there’s a disconnect. Personally, one of my non-negotiables is someone who supports and uplifts my ambitions. I have dreams that are bigger than the average human can comprehend.
I am determined to live them all out.
If I’m with someone who is competitive or even suggest I tone things down, they are not for me.
I can’t and won’t sacrifice my goals for any individual.
2. How do you define success, for yourself and for the relationship?
This is essential to see if you value the same things.
For one person, success might mean a high financial status. For the next person, it might mean stability and comfort. That doesn’t mean the relationship can’t work, but it may cause friction if you don’t talk it through. This question also applies directly to the relationship. One partner might define success as marriage while the other sees a lasting bond without paperwork.
Getting clear on your individual goals and your shared goals will show you if you’re aligned.
3. Are you “mom and dad” or “rich aunt/uncle”?
I’ve worded this playfully, but the underlying conversation is major.
Do you want children? How many? At what point throughout the relationship do you see the involvement of kids?
Would you want to adopt or give birth?
Would you rather raise pets and travel the world?
This is one of the few things that can end a relationship if you’re not on the same page. You may be able to compromise on where to live or how to decorate your home but you cannot compromise on whether or not you want children. Resentment grows when one person sacrifices such a core desire for the other. Have this conversation early , it will save you heartache later.
4. What is your relationship like with your parents?
This question digs into the past.
Our relationships with parents often shape our patterns, wounds, and needs.
For example, if a man has a difficult relationship with his mother and hasn’t processed it, that hurt may spill into how he treats women he dates. If a woman has a strained relationship with her father, she might seek validation from men to fill that void. While many rise above childhood trauma, many of us also carry inner child wounds into adulthood.
Understanding them helps you love with more empathy and decide what you can or cannot carry together.
~~~~
If you’ve made it this far, I know you may feel that these topics can lead towards an area you may not be comfortable heading to ; that’s the point. Many of us get so excited to be in lust and appreciate the fun parts of love that we often forget;
real love only becomes real when you put in the work.
That work means asking difficult questions and sitting through uncomfortable moments.
If you and your partner can get through those and still choose each other, it will be beautiful.
If you liked this article and want more questions to explore, check out my free 20+ Question Couples Guide. It features prompts like the ones above: perfect for deepening your relationship.
