Assess Your Needs and Find Your Peeps

I used to feel like I was a bad friend. I’m the type of person who becomes distant when I’m going through emotional issues, and I generally lead an independent lifestyle.

Many people from my past didn’t understand this.

They’d be offended, even angry if they hadn’t heard from me in more than a week. I couldn’t understand why they cared so much. As long as they knew there was no personal issue between us, it didn’t feel like it should’ve been a big deal.

For a while, I forced myself to show up more, to be someone I wasn’t just to please others.

I apologized for things I had no business apologizing for. I made myself more available so I wouldn’t be seen as cold. In the end, a lot of people played the victim in our relationships. It was easier to call me detached or accuse me of hurting them than to admit where we both went wrong. It sucked. It was hard. I hated feeling like something was wrong with me.

It wasn’t until recently that I felt reassured.

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I’ve made my mistakes but at the core of it all, I cared for my friends. I was honest, outwardly supportive, unafraid to resolve conflicts so we could flourish in our relationships, I stood up for them, never put them down, wiped their tears and I made sure they knew their birthday, the day they were brought to this earth, was a priority for me.

Even with that, I wasn’t the kind of friend many of those people needed.

They weren’t the kind of friend I needed either.

The few friends I have now undersand that part of me. In fact, their understanding of me as a person makes me show up more than I thought I could. I feel safe with the people I connect with now. This wasn’t something I thought was possible for me in the relationships I once had. The people I know now are proof that I can be a good friend while still valuing my independence and freedom. Honestly, I value that more than friendship itself.

A true Aquarius moon.

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I need friends who get and accept that I might be in the Bay Area today and in Rome tomorrow. I’ll check in though.

I’ve always considered myself a loner because I like doing many things on my own. I enjoy people and I will forever be a part of various social justice causes, but I prefer to do things my way. If others don’t align with my desires, I would rather them not be there. Over the years, I’ve gone to movies, concerts, sporting events, comedy shows, you name it, all by myself. I don’t always prefer doing things alone but I do prefer being with people on the same frequency rather than sacrificing for the sake of being around people.

That realization made me start asking myself: 

What do I value most in my friendships? 

What do I need to feel safe in my relationships? 

What is my love language in a platonic connection?

I now know that I don’t need a lot of friends. I’d rather have a few intimate connections than a lot of shallow ones.

I have less than 20 numbers saved on my phone and half of those people are family members.

I’ve also discovered that I can go days and weeks without talking to someone and still consider them my friend because I prefer friends who value their independence too.

I don’t want people in my life out of obligation or some false sense of loyalty.

I want them there because they want to be there.

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I don’t need much from my friends other than acceptance, accountability, laughter and shared values. Are we allowing growth in our lives? Are we being creative? Are we supportive of one another? Can we let each other shine without competitiveness? Of course we should prioritize spending time together but I truly do not need to see anybody all the time to feel loved. I’m not sure I’d even want to see someone I was dating everyday. Most days, yes. Would we speak everyday? Yes. But to always be around?

Personally, I’d get overstimulated if I didn’t have at least a day out of the week to be alone.

Anyone who needs me too much is not for me. Anyone who gets mad because they haven’t heard from me in a couple of weeks, outside of being in a romantic and life sharing partnership, is not for me.

Anyone who treats my distance as a character flaw rather than inquiring about me, is not for me. Not to say I need people constantly checking up on me, but I would rather feel genuine care and concern than critiqued for being who I am.

Being a loner at the core is not a determining factor of ones character, it simply showcases their needs.

I wasn’t a bad friend and neither were most of them. They just weren’t my people.

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Some of us find lifelong connections early, some find it later, and some lead lonelier lives.

I always thought I’d fall into that last category. Alone. Forever doomed to solitude.

Turns out there is hope for ya girl and there’s hope for you too if you’re resonating with any of this. I’m not the worlds’ shittiest friend and I deserve connection just like anyone else without changing or feeling guilty about my fundamental making.

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It’s okay and sometimes necessary to compromise in connection.

Compromise would be to find activities we both can enjoy. Sacrifice is bringing a friend to a concert with me but missing the opening act because she didn’t care about time management and seeing all performers as much as I did. I can and have learned to soften. I’ve learned how to communicate my needs and my distant nature better. I’ve been honest about things I prefer to do alone and things that would be better with others.

One thing I will never do is cancel my secret side missions just to make others uncomfortable. Did Phineas and Verb stop asking about Perry just because he was out and about? No. They embraced him with love and acceptance, every time.

You never have to be a different person to appease to others.

You need to be around different people to appease to yourself.